Your Calendar Is Lying to You.

(And Stealing Your Power)

READ TIME: 7 MINUTES 

If your calendar reflects your values… why does it say you don’t matter?

This week, Fairouz Devji—a brilliant emergency clinical nurse educator—reminded me of something I can’t shake:

Your calendar is a mirror.
It either reflects your presence, freedom, and power…
Or it quietly proves you’ve given them all away.

Most healthcare managers know the productivity hacks. Time-blocking. Color coding. Stacking habits. And yeah—“schedule time for yourself” is advice we’ve all heard a thousand times.

But here’s the trap:
We don’t suffer from a lack of knowing.
We suffer from a lack of owning.

If I truly owned my time, I wouldn’t keep overlooking myself.
If I truly owned my calendar, I wouldn’t keep putting off restoration, reflection, and regulation just to keep up with the never-ending urgency of the system.

Here’s the contrarian truth:
Time-blocking isn’t about productivity.
Not in healthcare.
Not in a trauma-organized system.

Time-blocking is about survival.
It’s where relief and restoration must live—if we want to stay human while leading others through chaos.

Today, we’re diving into what it really means to take your calendar—and your power—back.

Let’s go.

We were deep in a dialogue, talking about Safe Space Systmic Leadership. Fairouz told me how she started to block off time in her calendar to think, prepare, and plan for the work demands of her role and responsibilities.

And then she said it. Like a confession or a revelation:

“I found myself thinking Is this ok,

I mean am I really allowed to do this?!"

There it was. The nervous system flare. The internalized script.

The ghost in the machine that teaches us to think:

• Prioritize myself first!? I can't. That's selfish.

• How can I take time for myself at work!? I feel guilty doing that.

• Filling my calendar with back-to-back meetings is just the way it is.

But at that moment, her voice cracked something big open.

This wasn’t about a calendar, productivity, or "putting the oxygen mask on yourself first". Note to self: Trace, never say the oxygen mask thing again. To anyone. Ever. It's toxic positivity, and you cause harm to yourself and others—if you want to know why, hit reply to this email and ask.

Fairuz was reclaiming something that I need to reclaim, too. I think it's a deep thing that many people have given away without realizing it.

If you want to know if you have given "it" away, do you feel you need your boss's permission to schedule your time? If you do, you might have given something so fundamental away that you don't realize it. 

I worked 80 work weeks as a corporate start-up leader for a large Canadian company that wanted to start a business in Vancouver, but had failed on three attempts to do it over 10 years. I decided to start going to the gym to take better care of myself, but because I was a single dad at the time, the only space I could find was in the afternoon. And, I hid it from everyone. My boss, based in another province, my leadership team of 8 key leaders, and my employees, everyone. I didn't even tell my kids for fear that they would tell the wrong person at a work function that they might attend. This is the first time I have ever told anyone, which happened over ten years ago. Now I could blame the toxic environment, or the punitive performative culture, and all of those things would have been true, and they still aren't, which is why I was hiding my schedule.

I forgot I don't need permission to take care of myself. From anyone. Ever. 

Responsibility and choice about what work looks like, how I do it, who I do it with, and whether or not it's fulfilling and energizing or soul-crushing and draining is my responsibility. And, I have been tricking myself for decades into thinking I can't because I have to perform, take care of my family, and do a good job, and I can't do those things and put myself first. I have to sacrifice myself. This is so ingrained into me that I still struggle with it, and I am 56 years old. This is probably part of why I love working with healthcare leaders, because they struggle, often unconsciously, with thinking that they have to sacrifice themselves, their well-being, mental health and even their time with people they love.

Do you overschedule? Do you feel guilty when taking time for yourself on a workday? Are you in back-to-back meetings? Do you think that's just the way that healthcare is? 

That is a complete fucking lie.

This is not the way it is. This reflects an abdicated responsibility and a dire misunderstanding of the value of your presence. I should know, I've spent my whole life thinking this way. And it almost destroyed me and the people I love. Those stakes forced me to realize that I had unknowingly bought into this lie without even being conscious of it, until it was too late.

My time with Fairouz reminded me of this, and I hope it helps you too.

🧬 Listen to Your System

This is how not to need anyone's permission for presence.

Blocking time off for presence isn't just about self-care—it's the fundamental practice you need to have if you want to realize your full potential as a leader in trauma-organized healthcare systems.  

In trauma-organized systems, leaders like Fairouz don't just manage tasks—they have to learn how to navigate daily work in systems that are full of feedback loops where unaddressed and unresolved trauma and systemic distress will amplify and expand through them until they address and resolve its messages within their systems (Bloom, 2012; Bentovim, 2019).

As Bloom and Bentovim describe, trauma-organized systems:

• Prioritize control over curiosity

• Stifle emotions to focus on performance

• Reward dysregulation, dissociation, and overwork

This is why brilliant, committed leaders like Fairouz find themselves whispering, “Am I even allowed to protect my time?” This isn't a personal shortcoming or external tactical development gap. It’s a systemic invitation for Fairouz to move from reactive survival-mode leadership to connecting to the safe space that's inside her system that has a fundamental message for her and that prepares her to lead systemically at work, where she is committed to bringing real and lasting change.

"Meaningful work, living and leading your best life and career become simple, achievable, and energizing when you realize that you are the system that you're supposed to work with." 

In our Safe Space research, we found:

✅ 91% of frontline leaders report more clarity and performance after scheduling time for presence (Safe Space Research)​

✅ Psychological and neurobiological safety create trust, prioritization, and sustained collaborative decision-making—and they show up effortlessly as a natural by-product (Porges, 2022, Polyvagal Theory: A Science of Safety)​

✅ Letting go of your "agenda” is adaptive and agile, not disorganization, and it requires leaders to learn to let go of what they "think" so they can listen to what the system is asking for underneath the noise. 

So no, this isn’t just calendar hygiene.

This is a shift from external compliance → to internal coherence.
From urgency-as-worth → to presence-as-power.
From invisible burnout → to visible systemic leadership.

When you reclaim your time, you don’t just create space. You make a ripple effect. And your team learns—it’s safe to do the same.

Protecting time never means you're with your team less.

It means you're with them more. 

One mistake I made, and I see leaders making repeatedly, is thinking that cutting themselves off from their team is what they must do to protect their time. This does not protect time, it opens you up to taking on more demands, projects, and organizational problems that distract you from your team, eat up the free time you thought you were going to gain, and leave you even more tired because as you try to do all of that, there is still all the things that your team will bring to you because of your absence. When leaders don't figure out how to work systemically:

• Staff self-leadership, awareness, and responsibility are low.
• The team believe it's the leader's job to lead everything.
• Everyone complains, criticizes, and condemns. 

When you learn to give yourself time and space to get clear on what your system is saying to you, any energy that may be fragmented or triggered by your work will naturally move toward the whole. When that energy reengages, there's more fuel for you to do your job, and additional wisdom and insight that helps you create system solutions that move the needle in ways that will surprise and delight you.

🦋 From →To 

Productivity → to Permission 

Fairouz’s words echo everywhere I work:

“I didn’t know I was allowed…”
“It felt weird to block that off…”
“I thought I had to ask someone…”

“I feel guilty when I take time for myself…”
“What if my boss finds out…?”
“I have to work this way to get my job done, don't I…?”

These words are signs of a system-induced trance. One that makes even the most competent, brilliant leaders doubt their right to pause, be present, and base their leadership on showing up first and foremost in the fullness of who they are.

We need organizations where we can:

• Prioritize practicing presence with ourselves and others.

• Recognize and let go of urgency without fear.

• Make space, and it doesn't feel like betrayal.

When leaders and staff learn to be present, listen and ask powerful questions, this becomes the most important part of our healthcare operations, and they will completely transform into what we are longing for them to be.

🌀Leaders Create Ripples.

“Presence is an act of trauma restoration.” 

(Bloom, 2023 Safe Space Made Simple Podcast Interview)

Podcast episode

YouTube Episode

In trauma-organized systems, a culture of urgency becomes a false god.
We override, overfunction, and outsource our inner knowing in service of the task list. The to-dos are endless, but taking care of ourselves is last, if it's on it at all.

Safe Space Systemic Leadership teaches us:

• Your calendar is a map of your nervous system.

• You're the one you need permission from.

• Pausing is not laziness—it's leadership.

The shift isn’t from doing less to doing more.
It’s from abandoning the self → to reclaiming the self as a legitimate source of strategic systemic intelligence.

📡 Practitioners Create Signals. 

When a seasoned, educated, compassionate leader like Fairouz wonders if she is "allowed" to create time for presence, this is not a skill gap, it's a system signal for her, and for everyone she works with.

Here’s how system practitioners can surface this with clients and teams:

🔍  Ask:

• Where have you made self-prioritization taboo for you or your team?

• What assumptions do you hold about time, your value, and worth?

• Do you need permission? Who on your team thinks they need it?

📅  Step One: Safe Space Calendar Audit

• What’s on your calendar that helps you practice being present?

• What’s on your calendar that helps others practice presence? 

• What is your calendar saying about what you value?

📅  Step Two: Safe Space Calendar Audit

• If your calendar reflects your nervous system, what's in the mirror?
• Ask your stomach and your heart what they have to say about this.
• What does your body want on your calendar?

We'd Love to Hear From You!
Reply to this email with your biggest time-management challenge or share how you plan to reclaim your time this week. Your insight could spark our next deep dive. Your voice matters—let’s build a culture of open dialogue together.

🫀What's the real deal?

What's my calendar reflecting?

This Week’s Real-Life To-Do List

(aka the beautiful chaos of being human):

Graduate research. Project launches. Client work. Team meetings. Presentations. Family time. Couple time. Couples counselling. Mental health recovery. Rhodesian Ridgeback care (Kenya, 12, and Lulu, 1). Support my aging parents who live downstairs. Pick up my eldest daughter, Mikayla, for our weekly check-in—she lives with schizo-affective disorder. Hike with my middle daughter, Sara. Visit my youngest, Christiane, my son-in-law Paul, and spend time with my grandkids: Caleb (6), Halo (3), and Bowen (1).

Squeeze in time to work on our house renovation. Clean the gutters. Fix the squeaky door, along with the 30-40 other mental notes on repairs that occur for me daily on our beautiful, but needs love, home. Show up for my appointment about my newly discovered—but always been present—ADHD and autistic traits. Honour my 20+ year journey with CPSTD, anxiety, and the effects of the addressed but ever-present effects of systemic trauma, and the ways it walks with me through everything.

Contemplate the system patterns, the noise, the interruptions, the sensory overload, the conscious awareness of the river of information in and around me, like I am floating in an ocean of information that sometimes feels like it wants to drown me, or rip-tide me alienating me from everything and everyone on shore — which are also my lifelong companions from the moment I saw the lights and the masked ones pulling me me out of the darkness to the here-and-now adulting my way through this big blue beautiful planet earth thing we call life.

And honestly, like you, this is just a smidge, I could go on. And on. And on. Like a back-to-back meeting marathon that has been going on for 56 years.

I could not, can not, and no longer will do any of the things on my list (seriously, I literally won't do anything, even hygiene stuff), unless I spend time with my ancestors, creator, dogs, being witnessed, witnessing others, walking in the woods, and listening, leading and living from my presence.

This has been a difficult lesson for me, and one that I had to learn the hard way. But now that my awareness has expanded enough to know this, I can't unsee it. When I don't do it, I know it's just a matter of time before I crash and burn. I mean, look at the list for this week. Without help, humility and the common denominator of presence, I'm fucked.

Now, that all said, and even though I know this, and becuase of some of the traits and tednecies that I have that are unique to me but not only me, I still have an incredibly difficult time extricating myself from the things I have to do, so that I can spend time with and in what gives me the time, space, energy and creative juice to do those things.

My calendar reflects this. And I have a secret. There is a superpower growing inside me that I haven't told anyone about. Regardless of how packed my calendar is, my body's system and the system I work in take over and prevent me from going too far. Sometimes I get sick. Sometimes I get an ocular migraine that prevents me from looking at my computer. Other times, a meeting is cancelled, and I don't fill it. And lastly, I have an amazing support system where I work where I can be honest, open and willing to look, listen and consider a new way of working than the one that I have been conditioned to believe is the only way.

So even though I have difficulty learning how to extricate myself from my calendar because of my attachment (aka: obsession) with routines, patterns and completions when my wife, daughter, friend, or circumstances rudely interrupt me and everything in me wants to shut them out and push harder, I have learned to listen and let that lead me. At least that's what I do on a good day. On a bad day, I still push them and myself beyond what serves me.

Fairouz’s simple question reminded me: Leadership isn’t about being available 24/7 or completing all the tasks and calendar items. Leadership is about listening to the invitation underneath my obsessive compulsion to keep going until I complete things. 

So, how can you do this?

You can grab your pencil crayons and do a paint-by-numbers picture.

🎨   Paint-by-Numbers

🎨 Spot it. Name it. Be with it.

Instead of: “Why can’t I just say no to this meeting?”
Say: “What part of me believes I’m not allowed to protect my time?”

Most leaders think their burnout is a time-management issue. But in trauma-organized systems, urgency is a survival strategy (Bloom, 2012).

Action Step: When your calendar starts to crowd, pause and ask:

“Who—or what—is this schedule serving?”

Then write down the belief underneath it. 

Name the script so you can rewrite it.

🎨 Build Micro-Moments for Presence 

You don’t need a retreat to reclaim authority. You need 15 minutes of unclaimed time that belongs to you. You need 5 minutes between meetings.

In Safe Space research, small structured moments of pause increase trust, clarity, and retention, especially in systems where presence is unconsiously discouraged (Safe Space Research p. 21)​.

Action Step: Start a weekly Calendar Claiming Ritual:

✅ Block one hour—name it “Presence”
✅ Protect it like you would a client
✅ Let your system breathe

Then observe: how does your work shift when you stop and listen?

🎨 Turn Interruption into Inquiry 

Most of us see interruptions as distractions. But what if they’re critical data coming from the system? What if they’re there to help you complete more in less time?

Fairouz described "interruptions" and hallway conversations as events that “changed her whole week.” What looked like a derailment was actually an opportunity to realign with her values, and when she returned to the task list, things were taken off the list without her "doing" anything! 

Action Step: Use this reframe in team spaces:

“What’s one interruption that told you something important this week?”

Let the team metabolize those moments together.
That’s not a soft conversation—that’s systemic intelligence in real time.

⚓ The Bottom Line

🌱 What?

You just learned that time-blocking isn’t about productivity—it’s about presence, safety, and leadership in trauma-organized systems.
You realized that the calendar you're living by might be quietly reinforcing urgency, self-sacrifice, and disconnection—from yourself, your team, and what really matters.
You saw that your nervous system is trying to speak through your schedule—and it’s time to listen.

🔍 So What?

This matters because your calendar is not just a planner. It’s a map of how you relate to your own worth, energy, and leadership.
If you’re waiting for permission to slow down, reflect, or breathe—you’ve already given your power away.
In healthcare, presence is not a luxury. It’s the foundation of safe, systemic, sustainable leadership.
Reclaiming your calendar is how you start healing the system—starting with you.

🚀 Now What?

Here’s what you can do right now:

✅ Audit your calendar:

• Name one thing on it that honors your presence.
• Name one that undermines it.

✅ Take Energy Actions:

• Block a 15-minute “Presence Practice” this week—and protect it like a sacred meeting.
• Ask your team: “What’s one interruption that told you something important this week?”
• Notice when guilt or urgency shows up, locate where it is in your body, and ask it what it wants you to know underneath the guilt and urgency. Ask it what it needs and wants, and then take a deep breath and listen.

You don’t need a big strategy shift—just a moment of reclaiming time from the system that told you you weren’t allowed to.

That’s systemic leadership 🌀

That’s disruptive in a good way ⚡ 

Welcome to the Safe Space Revolution 🐦‍🔥

Have a good week!

Warmly, Trace

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📚 References

Bloom, S. L. (2012). Trauma-Organized Systems. Sage Publications.

Defines how unresolved trauma shapes organizational culture through control, urgency, and emotional suppression.

Bloom, S. L. (2023). Trauma-Organized Systems. Sadfe Space Made Simple Podcast. Podcast episode YouTube Episode

Presence is the pathway for trauma-organized systems to find healing.

Bentovim, A. (2019). Trauma-Organized Systems: Physical and Sexual Abuse in Families. Routledge.

Describes trauma-organized systems and how they replicate survival dynamics across institutions.

Porges, S. W. (2022). Polyvagal Theory: A Science of Safety. Frontiers in Integrative Neuroscience, 16, Article 871227. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnint.2022.871227

Establishes the role of neurobiological safety in decision-making, trust-building, and relational presence.

Hobson, T. (2023). Safe Space Systemic Coaching for Leaders and Teams: Research Proposal and Literature Review. Internal Publication, pp. 1–2, 21.

Source of original Safe Space research findings cited in this piece—on relational time, agenda loosening, and system repair.